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Category Archives: Coin Satire

“Man gives up numismatics because young girl has better collection”

Coldwater, MI- Spencer Pissypants, 56, told his local coin club on Tuesday that he had enough of the hobby. When asked why he would give up something that brought him so much joy, Spencer told the group that he had seen a video on YouTube about a young girl that had an amazing collection. “At 14 she has already put together a better, more valuable collection than I have. It’s best I just give up before I look even more foolish.” Spencer continued by saying that, “She had a gold buffalo graded, I don’t even have a gold coin graded yet. It’s not fair.”

Mickey Reason, president of the club, tried to explain to Spencer that there would always be younger and older collectors who would have more money to put together a better collection than him and it was just the way the world worked. Mickey explained, “I told him that collecting shouldn’t be about who’s stuff is better or who has more, it should be about preserving history and having fun doing something you love. It was really strange having to explain this to a grown man.” Reason finished by saying, “I guess some people are all about status. I’m just glad I got to get some of his coins.”

-J.K.

*The King of Satire

“Coin Series for Conspiracy Theorists.”

Finally, a series dedicated to those who go deep down the rabbit hole. This new coin series will have images of events that may, or may not have happened the way that was reported to the general public. 

The first coin will be of the moon landing. The front of the coin will have a picture of the moon landing site with the flag planted on the moon’s surface, and on the reverse of the coin will be a picture of the sound stage where some say the image on the front of the coin was taken. There is no word as to how many coins will be released in the series, but there are plenty events to choose from. 

All coins will be struck in 1oz of .9999 silver and will also come with literature about the event in question. 

The series is being released by a mint that wishes to remain anonymous, but their profile was revealed as “a U.S. company, in Washington, D.C.” 

The ordering process is a little different for this series than collectors may be used to, but the mint is promising it is worth it. 

To obtain the series, collectors must provide some extra information when ordering, but before that they must first obtain the website address of the secret mint. This task can be accomplished quite easily. Simply call the United States government and say “I’m a conspiracy theorist and I would like the new series.” The government official will send you a special personalized link to access the secret mint, from your home computer only. 

Once at the secret mints website, collectors will be asked a series of questions. Some additional questions that will need to be answered before ordering are: Why don’t you believe your government? Who else do you know that shares your disbelief that what your government tells you happened is truth? (Please provide names) What information do you have that contradicts your government’s story for a certain event? 

*Note: All question fields must be completed and all answered questions will be investigated. 

Once these questions are answered, collectors are able to acquire the series for just $50 USD a coin. What’s really special about this series is that the mint is only producing coins for those who order. This could make owning one of these coins very special, so don’t miss your chance. 

-J.K.

*The King of Satire

“New Paper Currency Serial Number Variety Introduced to Collectors.”

One of the many ways to collect paper currency is by having a unique serial number collection. There are many, many varieties when speaking about serial numbers. A few commonly collected are radar numbers, perfect up ladder, perfect down ladder, binary number, solid serial number, the list goes on and on. Now, there is one more to add to the list, and there’s a chance that you just might have one in your pocket. The new variety has been identified as “completely random”. This means that the numbers will have no identifiable sequence at all.

To spot if you have one of these new serial number varieties, you first have to find the serial number on the bill. If you don’t see a serial number, chances are it’s not money so try another piece of paper. Once you have correctly identified your piece of paper as money, the next thing to look for is a completely random order of numbers in the serial number. This is when things get really exciting.

Completely random serial numbers are much different from other collected serial number varieties. Instead of a nice orderly pattern of numbers such as a perfect up ladder (A12345678A). These numbers, completely random numbers, are more fun and wild. Here are a few examples: A35621479A, A42153679A, or even something really crazy like A7514839A. They are all completely random and very unique.

So, take some time to look through your paper money. You just might be surprised to find a completely random serial number in your possession. 

-J.K.

*The King of Satire

“Largest Coin in the World”

The nano earth coin was appreciated by most collectors for introducing a new technology to coins-a detailed map of the earth that can fit on a finger nail. Now, a coin that will soon be released for Palau will use the opposite of nano technology…

Palau plans to have the largest coin in the world to add to their ever growing list of unusual coins. Unlike the nano earth coin, the grando coin will not fit on a fingernail, in fact it may not even fit into a house. The coins dimensions are planned to be a 10 foot diameter silver circle, but to make it convenient, the coin will still only weigh one ounce. How will they accomplish this you ask?

Buzz Aldrin on the Moon

Buzz Aldrin on the Moon – Source of Photo: NASA

The ideas for how to achieve this engineering challenge were flying around the room for months during brainstorming sessions. One suggestion was to borrow anti-gravity technology from N.A.S.A., but the space giants did not want to lend their technology for “something so trivial and dumb.” Meetings and plans were going nowhere until the fateful day that John Smittington unwrapped his bologna and cheese sandwich from the aluminum foil that his wife had packed him for lunch.

It all hit us at once“, Billy Phillips said. “It was like someone turned the light on and suddenly we all realized what we had to do, make the coin really really thin.” He went on to say that, “We just couldn’t get over how amazing it was that so much aluminum metal could weigh so little.

After that day the design plans have been going smoothly, and the coin is set to be released in 2017.

The next task they have to figure out is how to stamp the coins and also how to transport the coins. The design committee plans to bring in John Smittington’s wife, Martha, for consultation to see if she can help with those problems, much like she helped solve the weight issue.

-J.K.

*The King of Satire

“Government Introduces In-Hand Poured Convict Silver Bars”

The U.S. Government is officially introducing in-hand poured convict silver bars in the latest cost cutting initiative as part of the “We the People First” program, which should not only benefit government and convicts, but citizens at large.

The initiative unofficially kicked-off after Arizona Senator, Buck Ballnuts, submitted his proposal for “in-hand poured convict silver bars” about 5 years ago, “not only to address the growing problem of overcrowded prisons, but also to save cost by releasing convicts quicker back into society. This while encouraging the population at large to save silver for a rainy day” (Record A-1023 of the Senator Notes, p.68).

Prison warden, Buckman Nonethewiser, hit the nail on its head: “It is a win-win since convicts get the opportunity to live productive lives, much quicker than what was normally the case, since the taxpayer no longer have to foot the bill in full. It also encourages folks to honor the intend of the Founding Fathers in part by saving in silver. This initiative also offers a permanent rehabilitation solution, especially considering that none of the 10,000 prisoners that were released as part our 5-year pilot project, have so far reoffended.

Nonethewiser is prison warden at the Hells Angels Correctional Facility outside Pookman’s Pac, Arizona. Hells Angels, as the facility is commonly known, was part of the highly successful pilot project where 10,000 convicts were released after their participation in the Ballnuts In-Hand Poured Convict Silver Bar Initiative (the official name of the project).

Former convict, Lowhellson Longfingers, who was the first convict to benefit from the pilot project, had this to say when we recently interviewed him: “Ballnuts is a real hand breaker, but it is much better than busting them balls, right? I now live a productive life as a door greeter at the Ding Kwan Do Chinese Restaurant in Harlem, where I greet visitors with a: What’s up China? Grab a bite and learn about the Ballnuts Program, which is now accepting volunteers.”

The United States Government is now officially introducing the Ballnuts In-Hand Poured Convict Silver Bar Initiative across the States as part of the “We the People First” program. The aim of this program is to put We the People first for the first time in a 100 years. It is estimated that a 1,000,000 convicts stand to benefit from this, not even to mention the benefits citizens at large will see as a result of this ground-breaking initiative.

The success of the initiative will be closely monitored over the next 5 years. Depending on its success, government intends to also introduce an “in-head poured convict silver bar” initiative, of which a maximum of only 1 bar will be poured per convict. Only serious offenders, including sex pests, corrupt politicians and bankers, are expected to form part of this initiative.

Human rights activist, Tortura Hackney, feels that government is taking it too far and that the UN needs to step in. She said: “It is absolutely horrible what they’re doing to convicts. A grave injustice is being done that needs to be stopped at any cost, even if the taxpayer has to foot the bill of a full-on UN intervention with cocktail parties and all. The only victims here are the convicts. Many of them previously stole, raped, murdered and maimed only because society has done a grave injustice to them. This ongoing injustice needs to stop. Where is the world government when one needs them?”

Good news is that in-hand poured convict silver bars are now available for sale at all good precious metals dealers. Each three nines fine (.999) silver bar is unique in its own right, especially considering that none of the hands used were exactly the same, not only in terms of the volume provided, but also in terms of the unique patterns left by the finger prints. In fact, the United States Government guarantees that a maximum of only 2 silver bars will be poured per convict. Each bar comes inscribed with the name of the convict, his/her prison number, the crimes he/she were convicted for, the month or years spent in prison and the unique, specific weight of each bar. Orders can be placed here.

-J.K.

*The King of Satire

“Latest Innovation: Shot Poured Silver Rounds”

Silver stacker, philosopher, pensioner and round collector, Silvester Moonshot, is taking innovation to a new level with his shot poured silver rounds.

It all started when Mr. Moonshot was fumbling with his 1897 fowling piece on Friday evening two weeks ago, when the silver slug loaded scattergun went off, and poured a rather unique silver round against a 12 century cast iron skillet which hung next to the fire place. The unique, horizontal pour was announced by a rather large bang against the wall. This prompted Mr. Moonshot’s dog Rufus to shot like a bullet out of a gun from underneath the table in the corner. This left a path of yellow brownish, foul smelling liquid, which only became evident after the smoke discharged from the fowling piece cleared the room. Mr. Moonshot said: “Rufus was not impressed by the accidental discharge, but most innovations come at a price. It was no different this time around. Fortunate for me my son Jack cleaned the mess, which I squarely blamed on my constitution, leaving Rufus out of it altogether.

Mr. Moonshot’s accidental shot poured silver round is quite unique given its 12 inch diameter, wobbly shape and splattered pattern. It has not been officially confirmed yet, but it is most likely the first shot poured silver round in recorded history. When asked whether Mr. Moonshot intends to sell the unique silver round, he commented: “I will let it go for nothing short of a million bucks as I intend to hang onto it for a little longer. I mean, it is a piece of innovation and history that you simply can’t pull out of your butt.

When asked if that is not a too high premium above spot, especially considering that Mr. Moonshot had been a dedicated silver stacker for the best part of 87 years, he answered: “I always buy silver as close to spot as possible, but this isn’t Constitutional silver sonny. This is a truly unique, one of a kind piece with a worldwide mintage of 1. In any case, I am not buying, I am selling.

Good news is that Mr. Moonshot has now launched a shot poured silver round series, which places his shot poured silver rounds within reach of most collectors. The series is called Mr. Moonshot’s Clinical Shot Poured Silver Round Series.

The series consists of silver rounds that were shot poured in a clinical, controlled environment. The “environment” consists of a 10 foot long bullet and sound proof chamber made out of the strongest steel known by man. It is located in Mr. Moonshot’s WWII bunker, which was built on September 3rd, 1945. This “environment” leaves little room for accidents. This is despite the fact that Mr. Moonshot’s shoulder was dislocated earlier this week. When asked about the injury, Mr. Moonshot replied: “I like to run a good, old-fashioned business where demand is met in a timely and quality manner. In any case, I am not leaving production of my uniquely poured silver rounds in the hands of a no good, wet-behind-the-ears Rambo.

Mr. Moonshot’s Clinical Shot Poured Silver Round Series is available at all good coin and precious metals dealers at the wholesome price of $99.99 per round. Be sure to buy the first shot poured silver round in the new series here.

-J.K.

*The King of Satire

“New Coin Series On The Way From The US Mint.”

One of the greatest American pastimes is finally being celebrated on a new coin series soon to be released by the United States Mint. It has long been a tradition of Americans to buy things they want with money they don’t have. To continue supporting this effort, and to celebrate the “American Way”, the U.S. Mint will produce a new series of coins with major credit cards pictured on the front of proof quality clad coins, with vibrant after mint production coloring.

american express

The first release will be the American Express card coin as it was the first major card released in 1958. The mint plans to release a depiction of every major credit card (with the exception of Discover cards) that was issued in the United States since 1958.  Each coin will be priced with a different variable rate, making each coin slightly different and unique. Sam Duffy, who is the designer of the series said, “they were some of the easiest designs I was ever commissioned to do. I hardly had to spend any time at all on them, which was really nice because I had been working on a design for The Perth Mint that really required a lot of thought, planning, and detail.” The U.S. Mint is expecting a large demand for this series, so no mintage limit will be set. The mint also suggests pre-ordering to avoid delays in shipments.

To make this series even more special, the mint is also implementing an additional special offer for those that pre-order and pay with a credit card. If a customer orders the Credit Card Series and pays for the entire coin series up front with a credit card, they will receive 10% off the entire price. (All charges applied after last coin is received) Final designs are being made now for the display box which should be quite nice and will hold the large collection of coins. (Display box price not included in set price.) The mint plans on striking the first coins in 2018, and continuing the series through 2038. For those wanting to get this fantastic set the mint is taking pre-orders now

-J.K. 

*The King of Satire

“New Report Shows Silver Prices to Soar Past the Moon”

The reports of silver prices going to the moon have been fairly common, but a new report is saying that those reports are wrong. New indicators from an analyst have shown that the price will actually go past the moon.

“We think the price of silver should end up somewhere around Mars, Jupiter if we are lucky.” said Mark Jones who is a silver analyst from the N.Y. area.

When asked what the price of silver would equate to in dollars with Mars level status, Mark had this to say. “When the price was going to be at the moon, reports were that it could get to around $1,000 ozt, if the price goes to Mars we are looking at around $2,500, and if it were to hit Jupiter we could see $5,000.”

Other analysts aren’t so sure about Marks prediction though. Bill Wickle who runs his own company says he sees silver heading in a completely different direction. Bill says, “I don’t see silver going to Mars or even the Moon. No, I’m in the camp that says we see silver stay at the current Earth level for awhile with maybe a dip into Venus territory. There was one of our models that showed the price touching Mercury, but I’m hoping we stay away from Mercury levels.” This is quite a different story from Marks model.

Bill says that “Marks model, while I guess possible, is very misleading and unrealistic.” Bill did not comment on a price in dollars, but the current silver price with Earth status is hovering around $17.

-J.K. 

*The King of Satire

“Extreme New Coin Innovation from the Mint of Poland.”

From the renowned Mint of Poland comes the ultimate in coin designs. What you will see will amaze you, because you won’t see anything at all. Intrigued?

The Mint of Poland has produced some unique and innovative coins. From the Fortuna Redux to their open cubed coin celebrating the canonization of Pope John Paul II, the Mint of Poland has really made some unique contributions to the industry. 

coin holder

World’s first invisible coin in permanently sealed holder – Source of Image: Jake’s Marketplace

Well, they have done it again, but this time they have created something even more fantastic. The Mint of Poland will proudly release the world’s first invisible coin later this year In June. The coin will come in a permanently sealed coin holder for safety. It will weigh 1oz and will have a face value of $1million Polish Zloty (PLN). All markings will be stamped on the rim of the coin as well as the obverse and reverse for security, and as a deterrent to fake copies. The mint is also boasting about the beautiful display case that will accompany the coin.

black velvet cushion

Black velvet coin rest – Source of Image: Freemason Collection

invisible coin box

Top view cherry wood box – Source of Image: PicClick.com

“A beautiful cherry wood box will house the world’s first invisible coin. The top of the box will have a glass window cut out so the coin can be viewed, and so that it can be shown off to others. In the box, the coin will sit on top of a black velvet cushion creating a stunning contrast to the invisibility of the coin itself. The final appearance results in a spectacular presentation accompanied by the beauty of the world’s first invisible coin.”

Stumbras Bison Grass Vodka

Pre-order your invisible coin today and stand to receive 500 ml of free Stumbras Bison Grass Vodka – First 5 orders only!

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. The Polish government has since seized all of the materials that were used to create this coin, and the materials will now be used for drones and robots that will inevitably take over the world. Before that happens though, take the time to order your coin now! It has a set limited mintage of 10, so order fast. $1,000,000PLN ($265,000USD) plus shipping.

Don’t miss your opportunity to own something invisible!

-J.K.

*The King of Satire